Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
