how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
