Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
