Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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