genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
