woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
