even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
There are leaves in my underwear?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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