I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
