That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Women Are Tweeting Photos Of Their Underwear To Support Rape Victim Whose Thong Was Cited During Trial
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
21 ‘Don’t Say It’ Tweets That Are Gonna Get Said Every Damn Time
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.