just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car