pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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