well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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