I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
