the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
