If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
