I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
