I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Randomize
