i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
