Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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