im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
