how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
