Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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