Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
