Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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