The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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