this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
