it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
