thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
