is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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