Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
