I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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