'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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