Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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