My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize