Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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