i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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