Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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