I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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