Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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