I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
