My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
