woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I love having hate sex.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
