I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
