Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
that may or may not have been my penis.
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