Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
