wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
