There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
