My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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