I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
