My Higher Power is John Stamos
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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