What did we do last night that was yellow?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
