matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
