You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
