In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
