Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
