I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
