nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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