I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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