I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
