I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
