And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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